Yesterday marked a year since Anthony proposed to me. May 19th, 2011. What a perfect day that was. I think that the day after, when we were running around telling people our exciting news & getting so many congratulations (from most everyone, at least), might have been even better for me. I could say it's hard to believe that a year has passed already, but it's not. We have done so much in the past & while it hasn't felt like that much time has passed, we have certainly done enough planning & work & school, etc. for at least a year if not more.
Writing this blog has been quite a challenge at times because I try to keep it mostly super positive about engagement & wedding planning. The exact opposite is often the case, though, as I deal with ordinary & even ridiculous things throughout this process. If something has made me upset, I usually try to wait at least a day or two before expressing my opinions online because I don't want to risk making people angry. That seems to be the case, that at least one person is offended by a post, even when I have no qualms at all & am not writing with some sort of unresolved problem going on. If I notice that my writing says something that might cause people to think I'm directing words at them, I edit it out. If there is something in there that comes off as rude or harsh, I delete that. Okay, with the exception of the baby/rude question comments...I have no problem making those people mad & they probably don't even see this. If they don't, they ought to. Today, though, it's time to just be completely & totally honest for once. There is nothing wrong with telling it like it really is, especially if you aren't doing it to get a rise out of people.
Lately, I have felt so much like a character out of Lord of the Rings it isn't even funny. It's like when Frodo & Sam are taking turns carrying the Ring (around their necks, no less, because it would be detrimental to actually slip it onto one of their fingers) on their travels to throw it into the molten parts of the Earth. They share the burden & are each there to help the other along when they aren't physically carrying it. I never could have imagined that this beautiful, sparkling, perfect diamond jewel would feel like that sometimes. But it does. Except I am Frodo AND Sam, because I am pretty much doing this on my own...& I wear it around my finger, not my neck.
Don't get me wrong, this is not a post knocking Anthony. Don't go all "well he's supposed to be Sam, is that what you're saying?" NO!!! He has been great through all of this & exactly what a fiancé should be...but wedding planning isn't one of his many talents :) The things that I'm stressed about, he can't take care of for me. The truth is, neither of us can control most of the things that make me feel like that ring is a 10 pound weight. Even when it feels like everything is going wrong at once (which trust me, it has lately) neither of us can do anything about it. Like the ties earlier. Like the mens' pants being back-ordered. Like not having much help regarding planning, making, you name it, for the wedding. Like the house situation being so complicated & difficult. Like the attitudes & actions of other people. Especially that last one.
I was saying to my mom the other day that I'm sick of this wedding already. It's like Renee said on the series finale of Desperate Housewives, while she was planning her & Ben's wedding: "I'm busting my *** planning the happiest day of your life!" Excuse the expression, but I couldn't help but include that because it rang so true for me. I said that I'm tired of working so hard for one day that pretty much no one is going to care about besides me. Or as much as me. Now, before everyone gets like "well I care about your wedding!" I know you do...well, I know most of you do anyway. Maybe it's just that I'm thinking that it seems like people who should care more don't. It does help that I have some amazing friends who care much more than I could have ever expected, asked or hoped for :)
I can't tell you how much I appreciate the people who have told me how hard marriage will be (I mean the ones who did it do help strengthen our relationship, not the ones who said it out of spite or to try & talk us out of it). I'm prepared for that. Anthony & I were both ready to make that choice when we got engaged. I just wish someone had told me how hard it is to be engaged. We're still at this awkward, not quite a family yet, in-between state while we're dealing with so many other things. I often wonder if things would have been easier if we had chosen a shorter engagement. Then I arrive at the conclusion "definitely not" because we would have needed to just as much in a shorter amount of time. With both engagement & marriage, I know the work will be worth it. I'm not sure that I can say the work for the wedding will be worth it, though. We'll see.
The irony about this post is that when I reach my destination throughout this process (like Sam & Frodo's Middle Earth), I will not be destroying my ring. Instead, I will be adding another one to my finger. & Anthony will be doing the same. We actually will be journeying pretty much to Middle Earth, or close to it, for our honeymoon since Aruba is practically at the Equator. At least there will be SOME relief from the end of the engagement, where we will be taking a MUCH needed break from everything & EVERYONE. No phone, no computer. From the minute we get on the plane at Hartsfield-Jackson to the minute we touch back down in Atlanta...don't expect to hear a word from us. But you can expect another post that is actually happy within the next few days :)
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